Saturday, July 02, 2021
Written by @extraumi
I have to admit - I'm nervous. For the first time, I'm taking a real step towards pursuing my passion and boy howdy! Does it come with it's fair share of butterflies. But! Despite my fear or abstract excitement - I press forward. I press forward because I don't have a choice to press forward.
My current living situation is sort of precarious but hey! I guess that's what happen when going through a breakup. So, while I'm over tying up loose ends, I'm also going through the motions and getting it all down. I'm over he
It's not easy. There are days when I just want to crawl right back under the covers and divulge in some heavy Netflix
actions. However, given my situation -I currently don't have that as an option. And so, I press on...
It's odd. Even though things are falling apart in my life, they are also coming back together. I feel like me again. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel as though life just got a whole lot easier but even in this ease, there is still unease because no matter how well-thought out a plan, if there aren't enough people involved to move it forward, failure is far more likely.
It's a good thing that I love to fail. Okay...so maybe I don't love that shit but it's a part of the learning experience. If all we ever did was succeed at everything we attempted, there would be very little satisfaction and nothing would be extraordinary. Life would be plain and, I don't know about you, but I don't want to live a linear life.
Which is why, I had to make the difficult decision to be selfish and pursue my own happiness. For years, I have concerned myself over being whatever the hell I thought I needed to be in order to find that marital bliss - or - to raise a family...well, that's fucking stupid. Turns out that love is overly complicated when its wrong. Surprisingly! If it's right...it's sort of easy.
But before I get into that last part, I want to dive into some of the moments in my life that led me up to this point.
To start, I was born in Yokosuka Japan, but that hardly matters. It's cool but I left when I was two so, I don't really remember shit. But I do remember living in California, Hawaii, Chicago and Michigan. My parents, both Navy Veterans, had my brother and I moving every three years - and in this - I learned what it means to have things and to then later, learn to let them go. From goldfish to friendships, I learned what it was to say goodbye, to move forward and to move on.
Growing up like this has it's perks. For sure. But it also has it's downfalls. It sucks making genuine connections with people and forming deep friendships and then watching and feeling that connection diminish over time. It would be cool to say that I still talk to my best friends from my childhood and early adolescence but the truth is, I really don't. I keep tabs but I'm not sharing the more intimate aspects of my life with anyone outside of my tightly-knit circle and that circle wasn't formed until I was twenty-eight. (So for those of you wondering where your people are - don't despair - they are out there).
Aside from having to move from place-to-place, was also having to start over. Each time my family moved, I would get out of the car and start casing the neighborhood. I would look for kids my age. I would look for houses with bicycles in the front yard or playing music. I would look to see where things were happening and then, I would happen to meet a few people and, if I was lucky, make a couple of friends.
The introductions were easy. What wasn't easy was trying to fit in. Especially, when I so obviously stood out.
Most of the neighborhoods, I lived in were ethnically diverse but it didn't stop people from asking me and my brother what we were or staring at my parents in objective manner. It was interesting growing up with a dad that looks like the brawny towel man and a mother with the skin complexion of milk chocolate chocolate chip. Even when walking next to the, I could sense people staring, internally questioning whether or not I was their child. When I was just alone with my mom, people would look at her like she was the help and with my father, I would like an illegitimate child.
Of course, people could have been looking at me and thinking about unruly or "nappy" my hair was. It was always all over the place. It was very Mufasa and it took years and years to tame this wild mane.
But, I digress...
As interesting as it was growing up as the result of an interracial marriage and all of the social stigmas therein - and - as interesting as it was moving from town-to-town, nothing quite solidified the person that I am today than that of the United States Navy.
The Navy got me fucked up. So fucked up. Which is funny ( or at least it sort of is now) because I grew up being a Navy brat. I thought I knew all about the Navy but turns out, I didn't know shit an
d I wasn't prepared for what I would have to endure, the impact that it would have on me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
If I could, I would go back in time and tell myself to hold tight because it was going to be a wild ride but to also know that everything will eventually be alright. For three years, I would enduring hazing, harassment, sexual harassment, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse - not to mention - dealing with ignorant, backwater, thumb sucking, knuckle-dragging bum-fucks who don't know their ass from their elbow...
There's a long list of people I'd like to publicly put on blast for the shit they put me through but my manager would probably advise to me to do otherwise and instead look at it through rose-colored glasses and see it all for the many life lessons they each provided but I'm just saying, if I could do without any judgment, without getting cuffed or charged, there's this one bitch I would absolutely love to just grab and hug and tell her that it's okay and t
But! If it hadn't been for the perils I faced in my life, I wouldn't be set up to take to the stage and perform. Currently, all I am doing is building up my persona, working on music, seeking out collaborations and working to uproot myself from where I am currently am to move one-thousand, three-hundred and fifty-three miles away.
Shit should be very interesting. Be sure to keep pace by subscribing. Thanks for reading.
xoxo ExtraUmi
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