Today should have been a good day. After all, I received good news and then, that good news was overshadowed by lingering doubt and an over abundance of honesty.
I feel overwhelmed. Like the water rose and is trying to swallow my boat and, the currents are turning and, I'm being pulled into a funnel and, I have no control over the stern - or - which way this ship is going and I'm trying to hold on and keep it all together but I'm fucking terrified because prior to this, I was on quaint island. Warm sandy beaches. Fresh clean air. Trees waving in the cool breeze. Very calm. But I left that quaint island and set sail, ready to venture out and discover new life on the ocean.
However, I failed to realize just how unpredictable the deep blue really can be. One day - things are clear sailing - bright, puffy clouds plopped like whipped cream in the sky and then the following day - the warm air shifts and the cool air rolls in and I watch as the tides begin to churn and chop up against my ship. And I'm doing what I can - adjusting the sails, accounting for the wind and taking hold of the wheel - doing my best to ride out the storm.
Thick, violent clouds, deep gray, a sky blackened as the wind whips through the air, snapping up the water and sending it down in wave after wave onto my crown. I struggle to stay upright and maintain my bearings. The wind is loud, and the thunder clacking - seemingly clapping it's high-praise for my strife - casting one frightening explosion of light after another.
It feels as though the ship might capsize at any time but-
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
Invictus William Ernest Henley - 1849-1903
And thus, I continue pressing on - despite the growing uncertainty because there's a part of me that takes refuge in the idea that there are better days still ahead and this storm is but the first storm of many that I am willing to contend with and either this storm will be the end of something or the beginning of something wonderful and new.
Written July 20th, 2021
by Extraumi
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